The Contempt of Familiarity

Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness...the discomfort and letting it be there......until some light returns.
                                                                                          Anne Lamott


We have been together a long time, you and me. Probably too long. You asked me what was the matter this morning and I stuttered before answering because I knew I'd likely be wasting my breath. You see, nothing ever really changes. Not enough to truly matter anyway. I am tired. Aren't you?
You sat there stuffing a fat chocolate doughnut in your face and asked me this question while annoyingly licking your fingers. Why do you do that when you know I hate it?
Your life is ruled by the ticking of the clock and every day is just like the last one. Dull. Like a wind-up toy you march without emotion through your life. Plodding. Just accepting all of it as it is. Not thinking at all about what it could be. Why don't you ever strive to be something bigger than yourself? I can no longer carry you. I am tired.

You are like an emotionless donkey.

What is there in you to desire? Is there a fire raging in you that I cannot see? If so.....where is it? Why haven't you shown it to me in all these years? Your hair is turning quickly to gray and your life is fading. Fading into another day. Another month. Another year. Of nothingness.

Who am I?
 Do you know who I am? Do you see that I too am fading away?

I lay next to you at night and you ask for intimacy.
I cannot give it to you. Would it change anything? No. I fear it would not.
Our life is a vacuum and I am suffocating.

You are blind and I am tired.



CJ Ellis