Dirty Words

He could smell the wine on her breath when he hugged her. She had been drinking and driving which immediately concerned him though she seemed perfectly fine tuned and normal. He didn't bother to press the issue but wondered why she had found the need to drink at all in the first place. She was a writer....an artist--so somewhere in there was a valid excuse to do so.
She was beautiful. Still. Life had been both kind and unkind to her in equal measure and it was evident in her --in every possible way. Everything about her was alluring yet cold and deeply guarded. There was a weariness to her blue eyes that belied her fiery character. She was fire and ice embodied in one small human being. He saw the girl of his youth and the woman she had become. All he could do was want her. Want her like he wanted his next breath. That important-that vital. He wondered if she felt the same.

The couple of glasses of champagne she'd enjoyed that morning had her feeling loose. The best possible kind of loose. Earlier in the morning she'd received an assignment that she knew was going to be difficult from the jump....she was asked to write a favorable piece on a new Australian band that she couldn't wrap her brain around. They were young and cute enough--but severely untalented. Her paycheck for the day dictated that she find something redeeming about these young musicians and expand on it. After suffering through the 2 songs emailed to her---she'd decided that with the help of some Moet & Chandon...she'd be ok  to dig out some useful, shining qualities about them.
The text from him came unexpectedly. He claimed to have errands to run and some free time to spare and wanted to meet her. Their last meeting was tender, warm and all things good.
She'd held him close after their lunch together---a lunch neither seemed to eat--and a sigh exhaled from her body. Even after all these years, he still felt like "home".
They could have easily made love right then and there and they almost did...but the harsh realities of guilt and duty cut them both off at the pass. He was relieved. She was relieved.
But the wanting continued to linger. Now, he wanted to see her. Again.

She broke away from his embrace all too aware that the scent of sweet liquor may still be detectable on her.
He seemed none the wiser. They decided to sit in her car and talk awhile. Talk awhile about each others pretend happy lives when it was clear to both that wasn't at all the case. It was as if admitting unhappiness and years of un- fulfillment were dirty words not to be uttered. Shit happens. Life happens, she thought to herself. We start with the best, most earnest intentions and often just end up right back where we started.
Even after all these years--his brown eyes ( the color of chocolate M&M's she once recalled) softly chiseled face and wavy black hair made her weak in the deepest parts of her soul. Like she was 16 all over again.
She ached for him and wanted him back in her life. They were 2 halves of a whole.....like two tumbleweeds that had blown far across the desert only to find themselves back in the same one horse town again looking for a new direction.
She hoped he felt the same.



                                                                                               CJ Ellis