A Private Life

                                            Thoughts On Personal Boundaries & Privacy




We inhabit a world where very little is kept sacred or private. The glut for more and more information on the personal lives of others fused with the narcissistic tendencies of a population intent on baring more than they have to or should, in front of cameras and social media has left many with an appalling sense of entitlement on the idea of where privacy, boundaries and sacredness begin....and end-- in life, relationships and friendships. 

I am writing of course, on the measure of personal privacy we are all allowed and yes, even entitled to have in a world that wants and infiltrates most of our other 'privacies'. There is virtue in keeping a great deal to ourselves in a way that is not immediately secretive but in a manner that allows us to not give more than others deserve.

What I give, what I don't and why.

• observing others in action

In my own life, I observe how someone I may want to get close to treats others. Over time and sometimes almost immediately their true character is easily revealed. If a person routinely speaks poorly of others, shows signs of pettiness and of being gossipy...run, don't walk ...away from them. These sort of actions often speak to a person with low self esteem and an envious character. Not at all someone to be trusted. Usually, you cannot give these individuals enough kindness, patience and love to satiate or influence them so don't even try. You will not be rewarded in any way for doing so. Certainly not by loyalty or with any genuine integrity or respect for your boundaries. They may be able to fool you for a little while but over time.......you'll see the bigger picture. Signs of emotional immaturity or opportunism are also signals of an individual you should keep yourself from. This kind of person will never truly respect your boundaries no matter how kindly and fairly you outline them.
For all of the reasons stated above, they will feel 'entitled' to what you don't want to share.

Not sharing a piece of something isn't duplicitous or selfish, it's your personal right. Be prepared, as those you decide not to share with will be hurt and tell you that you are, in fact, duplicitous and selfish.

You will know better. 

• living life a bit more quietly

Being social with the right people is a pure joy. I personally find so much pleasure being in the presence of good food, laughter and intelligent conversations. These moments are one of life's many small gifts. 

In my own life, I am not a social butterfly and I never have been.....however in the right set of circumstances and in a room full of people I adore, my heart and soul bloom. I feel a deep comfort in the laughter and the sharing of ideas, thoughts and feelings. The private me opens up and the walls fade away. 

I am particular about those I gather around me and most especially, those I share my private moments and good times with. Especially on social media. 

Over the course of a decade I have maintained a Facebook page which includes a total of 45 friends. Other than my own website here and a shamelessly delightful Pinterest presence.......that is all the 'me' I will give to the general public. 

No more than a handful of people need to know where I've 'checked in', where I'm travelling or what I've eaten for lunch! My personal life is not open for public consumption.

Besides that, social media is often a woefully negative space. Why would you want to waste so much time there? With hundreds of people you don't even know? Sure it has it's wonderful advantages but I find that the list of those advantages is quite small.

Social media is fine. The sacredness of a private life is finer.

• rules of engagement 

In leading a private life, the policy of 'don't ask, don't tell' is supremely useful. Much like observing how someone treats others before you give them a trust pass.....this policy simply implies, don't offer more of your inner self than someone is asking for. Sounds selfish but it isn't.

Getting to know anyone takes time. Thoughtful, genuine..time. Those that want to be close to you will be patient while they peel away the layers of you. They will ask the right questions. If they are the right kind of person, they will be giving as good as they are getting.

Often enough in my life and in friendships or relationships, a time has come when the statement " I never knew that about you!" is exclaimed to which I reply......" you never asked!".  If you trust them enough, you'll gladly answer openly.

It's a policy that has served me well.

• honoring yourself

Honoring yourself means protecting yourself.  Over the course of my adult life, I have learned many many things the hard way. In sharing or giving far too much of myself to the wrong people at the wrong times, I have endured pain and loss. Loss of friendships, intimate relationships and even employment. 

In not honoring myself, far too many of the wrong people have feasted at the table of my soul and left it a mess. Sounds dramatic but it closely describes the painful loss of giving trust, loyalty and big heaps of myself to many that didn't ever deserve the tiniest morsel.

Honoring yourself doesn't mean being selfish. Giving is in fact another of life's sincerest pleasures. It feels inexplicably more delectable than taking. It will cause your soul and your heart to bloom.

Honoring yourself really just means that. You honor yourself. Any part of you that you give isn't given easily and to just anyone. 

The wisdom that grows with healthy self esteem will be your compass. Trust me.

CJ Ellis